Created Memories

I had an all day visit with John March 14th, our first visit of the month. I'm not even sure I can describe how much I miss him and the heartache that I endure. I often lay in bed thinking of the memories we've created over the last years. They weren't enough to last me a lifte time, but enough to give me the strength to survive this nightmare.

He doesn't call me as much any more, some days I need the calls and others I dread. We've actually been getting along when he doesn't call so often. He said it makes it easier for him to handle life in prison. I don't get it, but I'm sure he isn't the only one who feels that way.

The visit was perfect. We talked, laughed and actually got along. No fighting, little tears, just enjoying each other's company.

I let him know how oral arguments went and he ran some things by me, things that made perfect sense that I some how missed. He then mentioned "what do you plan on doing." I looked at him confused "what do you mean." He said "this is a life sentence for me and I don't want that for you." I paused for a minute, looked at him with a smile and sat back in my chair.

I grabbed his hand and he said "I don't want you sitting around waiting for me." I smiled and said "who's sitting." He said "I'm serious we never talked about this." In which I reminded him that I tried having this conversation with him prior to trial but he avoided it like we avoid the scale! I did let him know other people have said the same exact thing and I usually laugh when it's brought up. I don't expect others to understand or agree with what I do as it isn't for everyone.

I looked at him and said "I do what I do because I love you and you're worth it." He said "what if you miss an opportunity to be with someone else." I laughed "yeah babe their beating down the door." I obviously went on to explain other things to him and told him if he didn't want me around to let me know. I'm still around.

It's been two, long, tumultuous, and heart-wrenching years without him. Yet when I wake up in the morning he's still the only person I want, need, and desire to be with. No one else. I can't even fathom the thought of being with another man. I'm over it. I'm old, difficult to handle, and too focused on my next move to even bother entertaining someone else.

I'm not saying it's easy, most days I walk around wondering what I'm doing. I don't have life figured out, I don't even have my days figured out. I wing it, the best I can like half of the world.

Whether it's 5 years or 25, I will love that man until the day I die.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV): "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."