Dreadful Visit

I debated whether or not to share this but considering I pride myself on being truthful and transparent, I felt compelled to speak out.

John and I have had some "rocky" visits. We'd have tough conversations that often left us both unhappy and hurt. I told myself going into a New Year that I was going to do whatever I could to change MY negative thinking. I wanted to be more positive and influential.

My first visit of 2026 and I couldn't wait to see my lover. He came out and looked defeated. We argued earlier in the week because I'm inpatient and "don't listen." I know he was still upset over that argument, but I'm never not showing up for him. We discussed his case and when oral arguments were (March 4th). I asked him to remain faithful, pray, and rely on God for those tough days. He responded......

"I've been having God wink's lately so I'm hoping that's his way of telling me to hold on, I'm still fighting for you." He was emotional but explained to me what the God winks were. I couldn't help but tear up with him, not because I was sad, but because my prayers, and the prayers from hundreds of other people were being answered! He still has a hard time seeing his purpose and feels life is unfair, his life was unfair. He's been dealt a pretty crappy card from childhood to current. His faith was that weak, he struggled to see God’s hand at work in his life. He doesn't want to be here, and he feels he shouldn't be.

I reminded him how powerful and good God is, how he's saved his life multiple times. I gave the example of a motorcycle accident, his drive-by shooting, this particular incident, and the OD in the county jail. FOUR near death encounters, and God saved him. He doesn't know why but believes it's the devil wanting him to suffer.

The conversation shifts a little and he proceeds to tell me that the day before his testimony at trial, he sat on his bed with his gun in his hand shaking to pull the trigger. I asked him to repeat himself and he starts to get emotional.

He said "the day before I had to testify, the morning I asked you to leave multiple times and you wouldn't. I sat on the bed with my gun in hand wanting to pull the trigger. I wanted it to end." I asked him where I was and he said, "in the bathroom." I was speechless, but I remember that day vividly. We both woke up early to prepare for trial. He always managed to get ready before me.

I went in the bathroom to do my hair/make-up, while he got dressed in the bedroom. The bedroom that was less than 10 feet away. I remember hearing the floors creek while rocking back and forth while doing my hair. I heard him getting dressed but then the silence took over. I just assumed he was scrolling social media like he often did.

I had no clue he was attempting his suicide. I reminded him again how amazing God was, and how he saved two people that day. That if the devil wanted to take him, he would have. God knew the path awaiting John, he knew the outcome. Yet John’s story, his purpose, is stronger than the pain imposed upon him.

I left the visit confused but overjoyed. I made the 2.5-hour drive in silence, replaying every second of that morning. I thought of the different scenarios that would have been detrimental on my life. I thanked God for saving him and sobbed asking for forgiveness. I spent that drive begging God to guide me, and to protect John. Asking him to bring him home to his family and to give us the strength to keep fighting for the truth.

That visit will forever haunt me. I will forever be thankful to God!

 Psalm 34:17:"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles."