Faith over Fear

You know why I chose prayer over destruction, or why I rely so heavily on our father to get me through the most difficult days?

Two years ago, I made it known that if anything happened to John, you'd find me on the psych floor at our local hospital. Sad part, I wasn't lying. I wholeheartedly believed my life was over when we got the guilty verdict. Angry, devastated, broken, and bitter, were just a few of the emotions that I carried for two years.

My life stopped when they put the cuffs on him. I, too, was chained against my will, fighting a battle against the most corrupt politicians in Mahoning County. I was angry for a long time. I despised the prosecutor, resented the detective, and condemned the crime lab tech. Every time I read the transcripts, and compared it to the crime report, I became spiteful. I just don't understand how evil some people are. I put so much faith and hope in our Judicial system, begging John to take it to trial and explaining how good always overcomes the bad.

Man was I wrong. What I didn't know is how common it is for detectives and prosecutors to work hand in hand, withholding evidence, covering-up mistakes, and lying to the public to get their conviction. I had NO clue this type of deception existed. Talk about naive!

I trusted his Attorney's, the one's I begged him to retain. Never listening to John's wants or needs, and now here we are headed into oral arguments with the 7th district. A conviction that never should have ended in 18-to life.

I didn't end up in the psych-ward like I intended to. I didn't turn into a raging alcoholic to mask the pain. I didn't slip back into old habits of popping pills just so I didn't have to deal with our new norm. Nope, instead I went to church. Praying for him every second of every day. Asking God to give me the strength to keep fighting, keep sharing his story. Expose the corruption and tell the truth.

I am still utterly broken. My weekends have turned into 10 hour days researching case-law, instead of movie nights with him. Leaving work at night often going to his house, but instead I'm in bed by 7pm. Missing everything I did with him and often taking it for granted. How inconsiderate I was back then, how selfish.

Truth is, I live in fear every day. Wondering if I'll ever get the call that his heart gave out. Realizing our system is so incredibly broken with hundreds of families destroyed over a system designed to create revenue. The prison system isn't designed to rehabilitate; it's designed to line pockets. Rob the poor to pay the rich.

I have faith that God is bigger than all of this. That our purpose is greater than an 18-life sentence. That my heartache will empower my faith to grow stronger than any injustice. My testimony will be heard for years to come, and my strength will never waver.

My God has been so good to me it's impossible to doubt his plan. Whatever you do, wherever you are, PRAY! Pray for justice for the wrongfully convicted, pray for their families, and most importantly PRAY for healing! Count your blessings and thank God for another day!

God changed the outcome for me. Instead of giving up, he gave me the strength to fight. To be the voice for John and to share his story. To never give-up despite every negative against you. To let go of the hate, anger, and bitterness. He chose me for this assignment, not because I am weak, but because HE is strong within me.

Isaiah 40:31: "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."