A Million

Have you ever been consumed with a million thoughts and ideas that they all sound good but when they're implemented you realize it's an epic failure?

I keep telling myself I'm doing a "good" job keeping everything together, but often realize I am an utter mess and struggling. No, joke, I don't even know where to start any more. Make a list, was one suggestion from a friend. Write down what's important first and work from there. I did that, and I am still so overwhelmed with the million different things that need done.

I don't think I realized at the time what I was getting myself into. Well, I think I did but thought it would be easier than what it is. Let's be honest, I know me. I knew exactly what I was getting into and welcomed the challenge. Not, knowing, shortly after I'd be drowning. Such a typical RED move!

I know some people are sitting back waiting for him to die, and I'm dying doing everything I can to keep him alive. I don't expect any one to feel sorry for me, I could have walked at any given time. I didn't have to take on the added responsibility of everything, but if I didn't, who would?

The man has had a horrible life. Homeless at 14, went to school with holes in his shoes until a good friend gave him a pair of his. Spent days/nights wondering where his next meal was coming from, until that same family welcomed John and his brother in. Parents addicts, dad in prison. At 21 he had to identify his deceased brother after a horrific motorcycle accident in town. A 24-year-old marriage where he quickly became the laughingstock of town because the wife had multiple affairs, and everyone knew.

The mental and emotional abuse he endured during the first 30 years of his life is astonishing. A man, who at one point was physically abused by people who "loved" and "care" about it. Although no longer visible, the scars will always be deep. A man who didn't think he deserved better. A man who settled because he didn't know what "love" was. How could he?

I don't care how hard it gets, or how defeated I become (and trust I am getting close). I refuse to give up on a man who is as gentle as a Giraffe. I refuse to walk away because it's too hard mentally, emotionally, or financially. I will fail a thousand times but will continue to try until I don't. He literally hit the jackpot with me (LOL), I refuse to walk away despite how difficult it is. I love him, how could I?

I have 12 days to finish a project that should have been done months ago. I have stuff I am sitting on because it pains me to get rid of knowing someone worked so hard for it. Yet it's impossible to accomplish anything without money! I have always been a firm believer that MONEY is the root of all evil. I have never been a materialistic person, work hard to make sure my girls have everything, I need little.

I know this doesn't make sense to some of you, I wish I could go into detail but with "randoms" checking my page often, I don't want to say the wrong thing and end up in a legal battle.

I have no idea where these thoughts come from. A million things to do and not one ounce of energy to do it. God, I hope he knows how much I love and adore him.

A million thoughts going through my head, but God always provides.