The Decisions you make

You ever sit back after making a decision and think "what the heck did I just do"? My decision-making skills are questionable, at best. Not only am I solely responsible for the choices in my life, but I'm now responsible for making decisions on behalf of John.

Let me tell you, we are night and day. I'm more of a spur of the moment decision maker, and he's more of a "thinker" realist. Polar opposites.

I was left to make a decision in October that deep down, I knew what John's answer would be. However, I did the opposite. Something I seem to always do. Last month I noticed his grass was getting taller so I reached out to the guy who's been cutting it to find out if he's been to the house. He responded that he hasn't because of truck issues. Ok, no problem. A friend of mine had told me about the "next door app" a year ago and I finally decided to use it.

I posted "can anyone come today to cut a yard, it's big and tall". I told myself I would hire the first person to respond because I wanted it done that weekend. I waited about 5 minutes, and I got a message that said, "hey I can call me". Anyone who knows me, knows I hate dealing with random people. I sent a message back and the person was persistent, said "call me". So I did.

The voice on the other end asked all the right questions and told me he'd be at the house within an hour. Perfect. I started to do some work at the house when I got a call. The guy was at the neighbors, I walked out to get him, and he pulled up in a white SUV, no mower. Red flag #1, you say? It was but guess what I did. Overlooked it.

He got out and walked the yard, said he wanted to get an idea on how big it was and what exactly I needed. He also said, "I'm a carpenter so I can do handy stuff if needed". Dumb, right? I showed him something I'd be interested in getting fixed and trusted his judgement. He seemed knowledgeable. He gave me a quote, and after about 10 minutes of "sitting" on it, I decided to say "okay, let's do it". Knowing, John had told me multiple times "quit fixing" things.

The guy needed the money up front to get the materials, so I ran to the bank to withdraw and handed it over. Stupid, you say. No, it was perfectly legit. A random stranger off an app, what could possibly go wrong?

He gets the materials and starts working on what needed fixed. Guess what, my grass isn't cut yet. He then calls to tell me "There's an unforeseen situation and it's going to cost more money". I told him I didn't care what the issue was I wasn't spending more money. He explained to me to "contractor" words what needed done and why. Gave me a price and I said, "not happening set the crap on fire I don't care". His charismatic words and manipulation somehow convinced me to hand over more money. At this point, I'm sick over it. How am I going to explain this to John? I hate keeping things from him, but I know if I tell him this it'll break him. So, I kept quiet.

By day 3 I knew something was wrong, so I called him. He didn't answer. I sent him a text requesting my money back and it took two hours for a response. He responded, "you sound ridiculous". Wait, what? I explained to him what the issue was and how I believe he "played" me. He continued to text saying "I didn't". Again, convinced me to let him finish the job. I met him at the house, and he started to do some repairs, none of which I originally asked him to do.

It's now day 5 and I'm at work in my office. I get a text at 11:10am that read "Hey Megan. Would rather be honest and transparent than lie to you, disrespect you and break your trust. Not going to overindulge on what I needed the money for or who. I don't really have the money to make it right, just my hands." I sat in my office for 5 minutes sobbing. How the heck did I allow this to happen? I could have done a lot of things to this kid that would ultimately ruin his life, I opted for the "kind and compassionate" route. The one that continues to be my downfall.

I responded to his message, thanked him for being honest but ultimately, I was sick over the situation. He responded saying he'd make it right and pay me my money back. My first thought, "yeahhhh okay". My second "I need a second job to replace the money I just gave away". My third "how the hell am I going to explain this to John".

I, once again gave this kid the benefit of the doubt. He called me every few days to let me know he made some money on other side jobs he had, and he wanted to give it to me. I met him and managed to collect a couple hundred. Still nothing compared to what he owed me.

For weeks my life was an utter mess. I swear I was having a midlife crisis, and if I had medical insurance I would have signed myself into the psych ward, no lie. I still haven't told John, and the guilt is physically destroying me.

It's week 3 of making the biggest mistake that would jeopardize my relationship. John called Saturday afternoon, I had a visit scheduled for his birthday but wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him in person. I was hysterical on the phone and told him I screwed up pretty bad. He asked me to tell him, and I said, "it's going to hurt you, and you aren't going to forgive me for it". He said "ohh, I bet I know what it is". I told him he didn't and he said "yeahhh I bet I can guess". Not that I was playing the guessing game with him, I just genuinely couldn't talk. I threw myself into a full-blown panic attack.

He said, "you met someone and you slept with him". I said, "no not even close". I can hear the sigh of relief. He said, "okay then it can't be that bad did you screw something up with my case". I said "no, it's worse". He said "finances". I said "yup", he asked how much and when I told him, you could hear a pin drop.

It took him a few minutes to formulate a coherent thought, I mean he was speechless. I have that effect on people. He asked how and when I explained it to him, that's when the rage set it.

I'm still hysterical and he's laying into me big time, and rightfully so. I even told him I wouldn't blame him for ending things with me, that I'm pretty disappointed as well in my actions over the last month. I also explained to him that I would without a doubt replace every penny to make things right. I let him know I already applied for a second job and that's when it hit me.

He said, "I don't care about the money; it's the fact that I continuously tell you things and you purposely ignore them and do the opposite". I told him he was wrong, and he said "really....." and named about 6 other issues I've had in the last 19 months, all of which I confided in him, got his input, and still did the opposite of what he said! Like, wthell MEGAN, why?

He's right. He's 100% right, and now I'm left speechless. Why do I continue to do the opposite of what he's telling me, knowing damn well I trust him. It doesn't make sense to me. The infamous response I usually give "I will listen from now on", yet the other 6 situations I managed to screw up, I always said after "I will listen from now on", but did I? I, mean, I thought I did.

I went to see him on his birthday, November 7th. After MFin him out that night before. He sent me a message telling me not to come to the visit, I responded and said I was coming. I made the 2hr drive anxious and worried he wouldn't come out. Not blaming him if he didn't. To my surprise he showed. The first 5 minutes of the visit I just stared at him. Every memory we shared entered my mind. The night before I wasn't sure if I truly loved him, I was doubting our relationship. Was this just another one of my "projects" I needed to fix?

Those memories that quickly flooded my thoughts, reminded me exactly why I love this man.

It was within those 5 minutes that I knew this wasn't a "project", this was my man and I am so deeply in love with him that the thought of losing him, cripples me. I apologized for the anguish I have caused, told him I would fix it, and I wouldn't make another decision without his approval. His response "until next time".

I think he forgave me; another reason I love him endlessly. I've always said "I'm difficult and it takes a special person to handle me". I mean, I've been single for decades. I tell everyone I have no clue how that man handles me, no clue. Yet I'm incredibly grateful he does.

Our relationship is strained to say the least. I imagine most are when they have a loved one incarcerated. I have no clue how women do this for years, and while I say I am fully committed to riding this out with him, some days it seems easier to throw in the towel.

What I do know, is that my love for him will never go cold. He's my imperfect person, and I am his.

Psalm 118:8-9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans.