Daunting

You ever get so overwhelmed you just shut down and close people off? I'm not there yet but I sense it coming. I've participated in enough activities for May that I'm content with doing nothing until the fall.

My OT was cut at work, so I've been a social butterfly, I love and hate it. I enjoy conversation with people, but I can't handle crowds. I instantly go into panic mode and spaz the majority of the time. Why do I need the liquid courage to ease up. All the more reason I stay clear of social gatherings. I struggle with self-control.

I've never been one for going out, mingling. Why can't we normalize being unsocial? I ran into a few people last week that I haven't seen in a year or two. I, obviously excited to see them hugged and talked briefly to get caught up. It's nice running into people opposed to following their life on social media.

I walked away from both conversations under the assumption both feel sorry for me. You ever hear that little voice in your head telling you everything you don't want to hear (or is this a problem-LOL). That little voice kept replaying the conversation and I was left feeling "I think they feel bad for me, like what the heck".

How do you let them know "you're okay and no need". How do you get people to understand that life sucks right now and I'm defeated, but I am FINE? Sure, this wasn't the life I envisioned, I never thought I'd be fighting for prisoner rights, social injustice, and court corruption. Definitely wasn't in the cards growing up. I think "if this is what God wants me to do then I'm listening".

I cry out to him for guidance "Lord show me where I need to be, what I need to do to be better, to be kind, to spread John's story". Most mornings when I wake up, I have a new envision, new goals to accomplish. God speaks to me through others and things. I sit back and watch my surroundings, and the slightest thing will pop up and I'm left in "awww". That's my God showing up for me, trying to move me in the right direction. I just have to be quiet, pay attention, and stay focused.

Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"