Death

As a single mom, I often feared death. When my girls were little, I would lay in bed and sob while saying my prayers. I begged God for the chance to see them graduate high school, attend college, get married, and have children of their own.

Discovering Weight Loss Solutions

In my early 30s, I learned about a "cool" little pill that helps with weight loss. I knew multiple women taking it, and their success was amazing. At that time, I was pushing 300 pounds and felt unbelievably miserable. I hated myself.

A friend of mine visited the clinic monthly, and after many conversations, I decided to tag along. We walked up to a desk, filled out a questionnaire, and were seated in a lobby with eight other women. As I completed my form, I heard names being called. It took me two minutes to fill out the paper, and by the time I was done, I was next.

The secretary called my name and brought me into a room. She weighed me, marked it down, and said, "He'll be right in." The doctor saw me for just five minutes. He prescribed a 30-day supply of phentermine, went over the side effects, and told me to pick up the supply at the window.

The Initial Success

I didn't start the prescription until the next day, as he encouraged me to take it early with water. The only thing I remembered from that day was the energy and lack of appetite. In the first week, I lost eight pounds. When I saw such a huge number on the scale, my face lit up. I experienced some side effects after the first few weeks, but I was willing to overlook them as long as the weight continued to fall.

I stayed on that pill for months, even while my health was declining. Yet, I wanted more. Every month, I returned, and the doctor conducted a two-minute check before writing the note. The drive was longer than my visit.

The Side Effects

After seven months, the side effects became more noticeable. I had severe heart palpitations and insomnia. I was irritable and beyond moody. I remember lying in bed one night after putting the girls to sleep, wide awake at 11 PM, staring at the fan. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I had been ignoring this feeling for months, but this time, it was skipping.

I debated whether to go to the hospital. I wasn't sure if I was having a heart attack or what was happening. I just remember feeling scared. Scared of leaving two small children without their mother. Scared of missing their first dance or high school graduation. I started crying, thinking I would never see them graduate.

That night, I cried myself to sleep while talking to God. I begged Him not to let me die in my sleep. I pleaded for healing and promised to quit taking that drug and throw the rest away. Every negative thought about death flooded my mind. I couldn't imagine leaving my girls so soon; the thought crushed my soul.

A New Beginning

I finally fell asleep, unsure if I would wake up. When I woke up the next morning, I rushed to my girls, just staring at them while they slept. Once again, I sobbed, grateful for God's mercy.

I got them ready for school, and when I returned home, I took the prescription bottle and flushed the rest of the pills down the toilet. Over the next four months, I gained every single ounce back, plus an additional 30 pounds. I was mortified, but I never returned to the pill. My depression deepened, but I pushed through for my girls.

Facing New Challenges

The last three weeks have been earth-shattering for me. I'm dealing with court issues related to John, and another court case has been added. This time, it isn't criminal, although it should be. My brother is fighting a horrific custody battle. I've been trying to assist with his case and communicate with the advocates, but we've encountered several roadblocks. I feel utterly defeated.

When the Ursuline lawsuit hit, I was all over it. I read every article that came out and the 200-page court statement. I felt numb after reading it. It was all so surreal, from the Snapchat messages to the videos. This one hit home for sure, and my heart aches for that mother and her children. Yet, I am envious of her courage and strength.

A Shocking Revelation

Then this week, as I walked out of work, I received a message from my oldest: "Do you know what happened to Charlie Kirk?" My response was, "Am I supposed to know who that is?" I googled him and instantly felt ill. I had started following Charlie two years ago during Trump's campaign, yet I never knew who he was. I wasn't necessarily interested in his name, but his message spoke volumes. At 30 years old, he often educated me. I read the articles and made the horrible decision to watch the video. The image will forever be embedded in my mind.

When I got home from work, I was glued to the news and social media. The outpouring of love he received from millions all over the US and other countries was commendable. Christians alike felt the same pain I felt that night.

A Moment of Anger and Reflection

I crawled into bed early but scrolled through social media. Every video that popped up was one of Charlie's debates. My eyes filled with tears, and I became angry. How could our God allow this to happen? I finally put my phone down and had a hostile conversation with the Lord.

I sobbed while talking to Him. I explained that I didn't understand how things like this happen, especially to amazing humans trying to make a difference. Then, the next sentence that came out of my mouth scared me: "I'm not afraid to die; I actually prefer it." The pain I feel daily for others is genuinely becoming too much to bear. The fight for John and the denial of every request is exhausting. It's just too much. I didn't beg God to die, but I explained that I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't know what my purpose was.

That night, I went to bed feeling incredibly angry.

A New Hope

I woke up early the next morning for an appointment with the attorney. I got dressed but felt numb. It wasn't that I didn't want to go to the appointment; I just didn't know what the point was. The courts are corrupt, and I don't know who to trust or how to fight anymore. I drove downtown, walked to his office, and sat down. This was the first appointment where I had nothing to say.

He explained where we were and asked, "Any questions?" I looked at him with a blank stare, confused. My response was, "I don't even know."

He turned his back to look at something and started talking about the next appeal. I cut him off, saying, "Oral arguments are 15 minutes for each side, and the brief is solely on the PCR denial." He looked at me and asked, "You have your undergrad, right?" I replied, "Yeah," as if he was supposed to know. His response made me question everything: "You should just go back and get your juris doctorate; be a lawyer."

Typically, I would have responded with something degrading about myself, but I actually said, "I've considered it; oh, I've considered it." He said, "No, I'm serious. It'll take you three years, 2.5 if you accelerate."

I left his office with a little hope that morning. I've always wanted to help and encourage others. Maybe going back to school isn't a bad idea. Perhaps that's truly my purpose: to get my law degree and open a non-profit for the underdogs, making a difference in the community and for the people we serve. You never know.

I am still shaken to my core about Charlie and the hate that plagues this country. A man who was kind and respectful to everyone, preaching the word of the Lord. A life taken way too soon. This is where the Christians unite. Stand strong in your faith; be the voice. Be HIS voice.

2 Corinthians 5:6-8 "Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord."