God Winks

Life has been crazy lately, overwhelmed most days. I lost 15lbs in three weeks and gained 7 of it back. I'm getting fatter!!! I guess I got my appetite back. I don't know how I've functioned the last three months, I really don't.

I told most of my friends during this whole nightmare of a situation that if things went bad I would more than likely end up on the psych floor, and I meant it. My whole life changed when I met him. You have to remember, I spent YEARS by myself.

The first few weeks were beyond rough. I was doing stupid stuff; I was angry without a care in the world. I picked up a million shifts at work just so I didn't have time to feel anything. If I did have a few hours to myself, I spent them drinking and crying myself to sleep. I literally don't know how to cope or handle my emotions. There has to be a better way to deal with grief, trauma, anxiety, and depression. There just has to be.

I'm in my thoughts a lot when I drive, I even catch myself having conversations out loud (LOL-judge away). I don't know if I'm talking to God or just want to hear my thoughts. I remember driving home from work on Saltspring's, still bitter and angry plotting revenge. I'm plotting how to get the truth out and expose the corruption, when something told me "let it go". Something told me to surrender, give all your worry, fear, and anxiety to God.

I don't think I listened as I spent the next day doing research on people, trying to find their "secrets". The day after that I woke up and made my way back to church. I can't remember what the sermon was, but it hit home. I left church that Sunday and haven't had an ounce of anger, fear, or worry since. I've been going every Sunday, since. I even went last Sunday by myself!! I walked through the doors of St. Rose church, alone!!

I've been asking God for signs over the last few months and sometimes they're obvious, and others I'm disappointed because I don't know where he's guiding me. My SO has been struggling, clearly. I've been trying to talk to him about surrendering and giving it to God. Every night I remind him to say his prayers, I've been telling him since we were first able to talk. He says he is, but still struggles given the situation.

He called me this morning to let me know he talked to the Chaplin and he's going to start going to church on Sunday! Wait, what? My guy, who doesn't believe you have to go to church to pray or believe is actually going to go to church Sunday? Yeah, my GOD IS GOOD!

I had some free time tonight and needed to get a lot of cleaning done at the house. I am going through one of his dressers and every drawer had trash in it, like junk stuff. I get to the middle dresser pondering what I'm going to find. I opened it up and there it is, a God wink! A bible sitting in the middle with nothing else in the drawer. I paused with the cleaning to thank him for all the good he's provided in my life, even during this wild situation he still allows me to wake up and be a mother.

I got some stuff accomplished but left the house early so I can see my oldest at work. I got the usual chicken Caesar salad, made to perfection! I talked with the BUG for a while before heading home. As I am driving up 422 jamming out to Eye of the Storm (Ryan Stevenson), my eyes are wandering all around as I sit at the stoplight. I finally look at the car in front me, patiently waiting for the light to turn green and I noticed a decal of Jesus with his arms in a praising position! Again, I paused for a minute to thank him!!

It's these kinds of moments that I realize I need to do better, be better. I am NOT joking when I tell you my God has been showing up my whole life and I don't even know it until I get these little God winks!! So many miracles he has provided me, and I still question him. I still lose my faith in difficult situations and still question whether or not he is guiding me! I have got to chill out and surrender! He always prevails and provides!

I have a million things going through my head, but this one I had to talk about now! I had to brag about how good my God is and how powerful he is! Don't ever feel like you're alone when times get tough. Let go of the anger, anxiety, and fear. Surrender everything to him and he will provide. I promise you; he will find a way!! God always prevails! He is good all the time, even when we aren't! Trust in him.

He sent His word and healed them and delivered them from their destructions. Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men! Thank You, Lord, for sending Your Word to heal us. Psalms: 107:20-21