Hiatus

I realized last night that my whole life is on pause. That I've lost myself while trying to find someone else. I've buried every feeling, every heartache, deep within. My mind is like the ball in the pinball game. It bounces from one corner to another, fighting to survive and score the point. Yet, I'm hardly surviving.

I've neglected my life trying to save someone else's. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Utterly exhausted. I'm told often I'm "spiteful". I argued with this person every time he said it. Yet this last time, oh he put it into perspective. Turns out, I am spiteful.

God has truly been merciful. This man was in shot at in 2019, a set-up by his "estranged" wife. When that plan failed, and she was on the verge of getting kicked out/dumped, she created the perfect plan. I swear, John was supposed to die that day.

When that failed, and he defended himself and his child. He couldn't fathom his life without his kids and grandkids; he decided to end it all. Guess what? God showed up again and saved him. So why does he question his purpose? He sees no hope with the divine intervention. No reason to keep moving forward.

Every single time we get a glimmer of hope, we are met a few days later with the negative. It's hard trying to be positive and gracious when you are living in a constant fear of never being able to move forward. I can't even describe the feeling, but I know it's one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I've relied heavy on my faith, but even I have days of bitterness. I try not to be negative, but certain days I'm left wondering "where's the positive" or "why is this happening" "when does it end".

We filed the post-conviction relief in June, the State responded the end of July, and their motion is filled with lies. It's mind-blowing to me that they can get away with creating scenarios just to make their motion sound better.

The PCR was filed with an affidavit signed by me. It took me 18 months to find all of the inconsistencies, but once I did, I wasn't going to let it go. The amount of evidence in our favor regarding the constitutional violations is overwhelming, yet we both know how the courts "play" and we don't expect a good outcome.

Truth is, I'm not sure John will ever get the fair trial he deserves. His Attorney's truly sh!t the bed. I'm convinced they took his money and played him like a fiddle to get their 45 min of "fame". We've brought up the dash-cam, the inconsistencies, and they we're totally disregarded to feed an ego.

I live in a constant fear that everyone is out to get me. I am constantly looking over my shoulder, recording conversations and putting things in writing. Yet I'm a push over and often allow other people to treat and talk to me a certain way.

I've had writers block for the last month. Although it doesn't take much to put your thoughts into words, although these thoughts are damaging. So, I tend to keep most silenced. Hoping to bounce back quick to continue fighting for the right reasons!

Until then, keep praying!

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."