It's MY Birthday

Welp, we survived another year. My second birthday without John and I'm left with the memories of my 40th, our last celebration together.

I wish I could say it gets easier without him; summer always seems to be the worst. Sunny days, and riding on the bike at night is what I miss the most. Weird, coming from someone who was so paranoid to get on it!

I'm trying to remember if I've had time to process everything, if I've grieved the loss of making new memories. Some days I manage just fine, while others I feel empty inside. I would assume both feelings are normal and happen.

I try to stay busy by doing a million things at once but realize the effectiveness of doing that is minimal. I keep telling myself "I need a schedule/routine", I make a list of what needs done for the week so I can stay on track and every week I'm left unaccomplished. I've been doing it this way for the last 15 months and it isn't working.

Yet I have no clue how to do it any other way. I tried to do some self-care over the last few months, but I have spouse guilt (I don't know if that's a thing but I'm making it one). Every single time I shift the focus on myself I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and I'll stop engaging.

It's a personal struggle. It's the way I work. If someone else feels pain, then I have to. If someone else is suffering, then I should suffer. What a lousy way to think! Yikes.

At least I get three hours with John for my birthday. The best part, the girls are going with me. Now that the youngest is home from college she is able to visit. John hasn't seen her in 17 months! If I had to guess it'll be an emotional visit, for everyone.

Stay tuned for the drawing for my birthday giveaway!

Proverbs 9:11 – Through Wisdom Your Days Will Be Many. For through wisdom your days will be many, and years will be added to your life