Navigating Love and Trauma: A Journey of Self-Discovery

The Struggles of Emotional Connections

I should probably take my own advice on this one, but I count on my friends to give me the brutally honest feedback that I dread hearing! I've been all over the place the last two weeks. It has felt like a downward spiral that I couldn't control. Instead of maintaining my composure, I experienced a breakdown! My life choices have always been questionable, but the ones from the last two weeks take the cake!

I've kept this secret for days until I was ready to explode. A friend called at the moment I needed her the most. I unleashed my feelings, hoping she'd tell me how incredibly dumb I am and convince me not to continue down this path. She listened to every ounce of my horrible decision and what led to it. She encouraged me to cut ties but also reminded me, "I'm human."

Seeking Advice from Friends

You think I took her advice? No, I escalated things even more by projecting my feelings onto someone I don't even know! I realized, once the words left my mouth, how incredibly stupid I was for saying them. I then spent the next 24 hours telling two other friends the latest tea.

One friend told me to "go for it," while the other basically told me, "You're an idiot, and you don't love anyone." I looked at him a little crazy, and he said, "No, I'm not telling you this to be mean." He continued to ask me questions about my relationship with John. I answered honestly, and his next remark made me question my life over the last six years.

"You're like a mama bird; you want to nurture the damaged and somehow try to heal them. Emotionally damaged people are attracted to emotionally damaged people; it's trauma bonding. I don't think you love him; I think you want to nurture and fix him."

A Moment of Realization

I was speechless. It made perfect sense; this goes hand in hand with the recent decisions over the last two weeks. I then looked back on every relationship I've ever had, and OMG! Every single man I've ever dated has baggage. I don't think I've ever had a normal relationship, a calm relationship, or a drama-free relationship. I have zero clue what it's like to be in a relationship that feels normal. None!

John called last night, and I miss him terribly. Instead of being a loving girlfriend, I caused a fight because I am now questioning whether my love for him is real. I crawled into bed early, replaying every scenario from when we first met. Every fight and every conversation. Every positive and negative. I convinced myself that the only reason we're together is because we "trauma" bonded over every horrible thing that has happened over the last six years. I was literally sobbing in bed, thinking this isn't "love."

The Importance of Support

My phone rang at 10 PM, from the one person who makes the most sense in my life. I updated him on the life events, and he said, "Hey, maybe you did trauma bond with him, but that doesn't mean you don't love him, or that the love isn't real." He continued to offer advice and share his life experiences. We hung up, and I prayed and cried myself to sleep.

A New Perspective on Love

I woke up this morning realizing how detrimental my life choices have been. I had to shake the negativity off and start fresh. I told myself I wasn't going to allow the devil to take me out or make me question my love for John. Maybe we did trauma bond, and maybe some people think I'm incapable of loving a man in prison. What I do know is my love for him runs so deep that words can't even describe it.

Understanding Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonds can be complex and often lead to confusion in relationships. It's essential to recognize the difference between genuine love and the desire to heal someone. Understanding this distinction can help clarify your feelings and lead to healthier relationships in the future.

The Cycle of Emotional Attachment

Emotional attachments can form in various ways. They often develop through shared experiences, especially those involving hardship or trauma. This can create a strong bond, but it may not always be rooted in healthy love. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for personal growth.

Moving Forward

As I reflect on my journey, I realize that healing is a process. It's essential to take time for self-reflection and understand what I truly want in a relationship. This journey may be challenging, but it is necessary for growth.

Conclusion: Embracing Change

In conclusion, navigating love and trauma is not easy. It requires honesty, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow. As I move forward, I aim to embrace change and seek relationships that are built on mutual respect and understanding. My journey continues, and I am determined to find the love I deserve.