Weekends

They haven't been the same since February.

I went to Illinois this weekend to pick up my niece for the summer. The older I get the less I enjoy driving, but I am the worst passanger princess ever! I can't explain it, but my anxiety is through the roof when someone else drives, maybe it's a trust issue?

I have a million things to do and absolutely no motivation. I go to the house often and I am instantly overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do. I often stand there and look around hoping you'll walk out of a room and guide me. I usually start something but end up leaving it for the next time because I can't figure out how to do it. I've been trying to plant a garden for the last three weeks but every time I go to the store for supplies I'm afraid of picking the wrong item, so I walk out with nothing and say "i'll figure it out tomorrow".

I don't even know where to start any more. A million battles to fight and I have NO clue which one to start with. How in the world do you prioritize when every thing is crucial?

I am broken today, my heart hurts often and there isn't anything I can do to fix it. I am tired of working 70hr a week and sacraficing my happieness just to stay ahead. Yet, here I am picking up extra shifts to keep me busy so I don't have time to feel. I have no one to blame but myself.

I attended a HS graduation ceremony for my daughters SO. I sat off to the side and listened intensely to the speech given. I cried, because I miss you. I cried because it was beautiful out, and the warmth from the sun was beating down on me. I cried because my baby is graduating in 6 days and both girls will now be in college. I cried because you aren't here to share in these joyeous moments with me. Memories you'll never get to share with me.

I am miserable today and I contribute it to not going to church this morning. My mood is totally different after I sit for an hour in prayer. I can't explain it. I remember telling my closest friends that I would end up in the psych ward after all of this, especially if it went bad. It couldn't have gone any worse, and I never made it to the psych ward. I often wonder how I didn't end up there, but then look around me and realize my girls have always been my strength. As often as I want to give up and crawl into bed and never get out, I keep moving for them, and YOU. I swear when I love, I love endlessly.

By now most of you know what's going in my life. I've received a few messages over the last few weeks from people who had no idea what these posts were about. I wasn't trying to be cryptic, I was trying to plan these posts around significant dates (that had meaning). For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, keep following-the exposure is coming. For those of you who don't know, I created this page to help me cope with the hard times and to advocate for my LO. It's been a wild ride, and our's isn't over yet.

Stay tuned, the best is yet to come!