When your heart is pure

Here I am 1o'clock in the morning at an ex-boyfriend's house staring off into the kitchen thinking about the conversations we once shared.

I met this man in 2004 right after my daughter's father left. We were introduced by a mutual friend and started hanging out. It was casual at first, hanging out with friends and listening to music. It took about a month for him to break the ice, once he did, I was in love.

We hung out for months. Usually on the weekends when both of us were off work and were able to ignore our responsibilities for a few hours. We'd often get caught up in deep conversations and took nightly walks in the neighborhood. My first time holding his hand I got butterflies.

The start of 2005 my daughter's father made his way back, and I being young and dumb wanted the "family with the white picket fence". I tried to juggle both men until (let's call him Ridge) Ridge found out I was back with David. I tried everything to keep him long enough for me to decide but he was done.

I lied to him, cheated on him, and used him to my advantage. Everything I promised myself I would never do. He quit responding to my messages and hit "ignore" for every call. I eventually moved on with David but the guilt from being such a crappy person ate at me daily.

Then in April of 2005 after a hospital visit for horrible stomach pains, I discovered I was pregnant with baby #2. I called David the second I left the hospital, and his response "how do I know it's mine". I didn't have the strength to argue with him, so I showed up. We got into a horrible fight and guess what? Two months later he was gone with the girl he was seeing from work.

Flooded with emotions and distraught that I had ended a normal relationship to get back with a guy who destroyed me. To this day, my decision making is questionable.

Ten years later, 12.13.14 I went to the bar with the same friend who introduced me to Ridge. She somehow convinced me to order their famous "trash can" mixed with 7 different liquors. I wasn't much for drinking back then and it's been a minute since I had a night out. I ordered one while we sat in a booth catching up.

As I'm sipping on my drink the door flies open. I look up and Ridge is walking in. I look at my girlfriend, who he casually says "hi" to and walks by me. He went to the bar to order a drink and came over to talk. I finished my drink and was rather relaxed. He said, "what are you drinking", in which I kindly responded, "I'm good". My girlfriend says, "a trash can". He orders me a second one and the whole bar is laughing. It's no secret I'm a lightweight. After the second one, I'm pretty sure I was hearing colors.

Ridge and I ended up going home together. We spent every weekend for the next 6 months at his house. He'd work in the garage, listen to music, and attempt to catch up on the last 10 years of life. I, being a totally different person in my 30's wasn't big on drinking. I'd lecture him most of the night or at least encourage him to stop. Huge mistake trying to tell a guy in their early 40's what to do.

All of a sudden Ridge quit calling. He stopped responding to messages, wouldn't acknowledge my text. A week later I see a picture of him and another woman on social media. Ridge ghosted me, he played the same game I played in 2004, and I couldn't be upset. I was hurt, obviously. Secretly hoping our reconnection was the completion of what we started in 2004.

I got updates about Ridge over the years and was genuinely happy he met someone that completed him. He deserved to be happy, and from the looks of it, he was. Then in 2019 through social media and mutual friends I found out Ridge was diagnosed with ALS.

My heart broke for him, for his girlfriend, family and friends. I was devastated, I still am. I followed his journey for years, secretly watching every trial and tribulation. I was amazed at his girlfriend's strength. The constant advocacy for this horrible disease.

They ended up getting married in 2022 and his wife became his full-time caregiver. "Till death do us part", right?

I quit following after a while, part of me didn't want to know the outcome. Out of sight, out of mind. Not to mention, John and I were doing really well. I'd ask yearly if my girlfriend has heard anything, but it was often "nope nothing new".

Then in February of 2025 I get a friend request from Ridge. I'm utterly baffled and took a screenshot to send to my girlfriend. The caption "what the F is this". She was going to reach out to get some info and let me know. There is no way Ridge is sending me a friend request still married. Absolutely zero chance.

After a few days I accepted the friend request. I waited about a week to see if he would shoot me a message, but he didn't. Which was odd. I ended up sending him a message. One that needed to be sent for years but couldn't. I let him know how sorry I was for his diagnosis but happy for him with his marriage. She loved him, and it showed. I apologized for my past "crazy" but don't think he knew or understood how much I loved him.

He responded with a few updates, but we kept it short and sweet. I told him (because that's who I am as a person), if he ever needed anything to reach out. Especially if he just wanted to talk/vent. I'd check-in monthly to see how he was doing, and this month he responded back with something different.

"Want to come over tomorrow at 12pm"? Wait, what? I had to decline as those were my working hours. I apologized and told him maybe next time. He responded later that night with "we'll I'll just ask you" and proceeded to tell me the bind he is in with his caregivers. He was looking for a caregiver two nights a week, 11hr nights. Without hesitation, I agreed.

It wasn't until hours later when I realized the position I put myself in. A position I had no business or interest with being in. I was torn. This wasn't just an ex-boyfriend. This was a man I was in love with for years. A man that I hurt years ago and a man that hated me. How was I going to be able to care for him? What about his wife? How is she going to feel?

I reached out to our mutual friend with the offer and told her I already agreed before the brain cells got together to form a thought. Every fear, concern, emotion sprouted that evening. Utterly shocked, I'm still shocked.

Once I agreed he responded and said, "can you come tomorrow". No, no I can't. I'm scared, nervous, anxious, worried. Like what. I have to talk to John. Not that I was looking for permission, but the last thing I needed was for him to hear "red is taking care of her ex". You know how people twist things.

I did talk with John about it and explained he had nothing to worry about. That I wanted to do it to help the family. John knows the type of person I am and isn't worried. He told me he was okay with it. I messaged Ridge that night and was scheduled that week to assist.

I did make sure to let the family know I haven't been a caregiver in 12 years and that I know very little about ALS. They educated on what they knew and showed me how to properly use the equipment. Although I'm still anxious about doing certain things, he knows he hired an idiot!

So here we are finishing the first night of being a caregiver for an ex. If it weren't me, I wouldn't believe it either. It was a little rough as I am uncoordinated like a sloth. It takes my brain 30 seconds to process simple direction. It's lagged like the AOL dial-up from the 90's. No, I'm serious. I'm a full-blown idiot. However, he had fair warning.